Thanks to Wild Divine for sharing this.  It saddens me to see criticism so prevalent in our workplaces.  It is not coincidental that a majority of workplace cultures consist of complaining, negativity, and low energy.  Here's to celebrating the ordinary!  Thanks, Nissim!

Criticism
by Nissim Amon 

A coral reef is a place full of life and vibrant colour, where hundreds of different species of fish and plants live free of the need to criticize each other. Although an immense variety of life exists there, every plant knows its place and each and every fish knows exactly where it belongs. Once in a while a human diver appears with a mask and air-tanks, and like everybody else down there, he is not critical either. The diver enjoys being a visitor to the underwater world, observing the richness and beauty of Nature without judgment.
 
Things change the moment the diver steps out of the water and back onto dry land. Dry land accommodates an infinite variety of humans, humans however seem to have innumerable opinions about each other, so the game of criticizing one another, is one of their most favourite pastimes.
 
On the human reef, we sit on small balconies, observe our neighbours and complain: the octopus is a mess, the crab is an idiot, the jellyfish is spineless, the silver fish is obsessed with glamour, the eel is too slippery, and all the shallow water fish are limited and without depth. This takes place, in every house, in every city, all over the world.
 
Criticism is so widely spread that some consider it the ultimate social skill and are constantly polishing their expertise. They are unaware that the stronger the stream of criticism flows, the further happiness drifts away....

Two thousand five hundred years ago, the Buddha gave a small discourse on criticism. He said that while it is easy to observe and point out other people's faults, it is extremely difficult to see one's own. He also said that most people hide their faults, like a dishonest gambler hides unlucky cards. The Bedouins of the desert have a similar saying – A camel cannot see his own hump!
 
So how can we see our own humps? To solve this riddle we must realize that we are not able to criticize our own humps, because the hump is the very place where criticism comes from.
 
When we discover "what is wrong" with other people, we criticize them, but this criticism is entirely of our own fabrication, and it has nothing much to do with the people themselves. Our shortcomings, flaws and negativity are a reflection or projection of ourselves on others. Our hump is what criticizes other people for having a bigger hump.
 
This inner voice, residing in our transparent hump, guarantees its survival thanks to the satisfying feeling we get from patronizing others. It specializes in finding their faults and feeds off the elation the feeling of superiority gives us.
 
If we lack a sense of self-worth, criticism becomes our way of avoiding self-examination. Becoming aware of this is an important step in the right direction.
 
The next step is to have the courage and fortitude to remove the hump and consciously rid our lives of obsessive criticism. Not only must one decide to do this, which is a huge step in itself, it is imperative to constantly remind ourselves not to falter on this decision. Try writing yourself little notes and stick them on all the mirrors in your house, make it a conscious effort - because it is so very easy to go back to criticizing everything again.
 
Your hump has a knack of playing tricks on you by telling you that you have a good sense of self-criticism, don’t be deceived by this. It is a very common deception. All forms of criticism come from the same hump....
 
When the positive spotlight is turned within it has nothing whatsoever to do with condemnation, disapproval or judgement. When YOU look inside of yourself, it is called wakefulness, mindfulness and awareness, not criticism.
 
The realization that you are neither superior nor inferior to anyone is a very high spiritual achievement. When this understanding is no longer purely intellectual but goes to the deepest level of your heart, it will give you the freedom that you seek, and also allow you the freedom of letting everyone else, be exactly who they are and whatever they choose to be.
 
The person who doesn't feel he is superior behaves without pretension and one who knows that he is not inferior feels no fear. 


"One hundred percent ordinary,
Is extra-ordinary.
From moment to moment,
Without judgement,
The truth we seek is reality itself."

-Nissim Amon

Influence is a key skill needed by all leaders to drive change and get results.  As I coach leaders, I very often advise them to focus more on others than on their own agenda.  

In the May issue of Harvard Business Review, Rob Goffee and Garreth Jones provide a simple diagnostic tool to assess the presence of six common imperatives for the best workplace on earth.  Among these imperatives is: "Discover and Magnify My Strengths," by generating value for ourselves by adding value to others.

The art of influence is determining what is important to a fellow leader and then creatively proposing a service or solution that can lend value.  This is more often accomplished through a dialogue where you, as leader, are asking lots of questions, before you go in to your passionate monologue about what you can offer. For example, as I coach leaders who are often in "support departments" like human resources or finance, I am often impressed by their passion for what they do, their technical expertise, and their belief in the positive difference they can make.  Their habit is to approach an operational leader with "their agenda" in mind.  

Claudio was an HR leader who wanted a unit-based manager (Mary) to be more intentional about using employee engagement scores to improve turnover in her area.  Instead of approaching Mary with his "case," Claudio  asked Mary:  "what is taking more time than you'd like in dealing with your employees?"  "What difference would it make if you could spend less time doing that activity?"  "Where would you like to be putting that saved time?"  "How would you feel if you could invest more time in that area?"  "Would it be worth 30 minutes a day to be able to do that?"  Would you be open to a suggestion to consider?"  

Claudio is actually asking perfect coaching questions to engage that leader in getting a result that matters to the HR department.  He is doing it, however, by focusing on the leader and what matters to her, than "HR's agenda."  

I encourage you to play with this and see what happens!  Let me know by commenting here!

 

Clients often ask me what's the difference between coaching and other disciplines.  They laugh at me when I declare: "I'm not coaching now; I'm consulting."  Their response is often: "I don't care what you're doing.. both are valuable!"


Perhaps so, yet there is a BIG difference, and as I ponder what I think the greatest distinction is, I've decided that what makes coaching unique from all other disciplines is the safety created by our refraining from judgment.

There has been much written about the negative impact of judgment on the brain (see David Rock's work-- particularly as it relates to his SCARF model); or Brene Brown's popular youtube video on The Power of Vulnerability with over 1 million views, and was recently featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network.  Judgment hurts and, to the brain, is received in the same way as if a huge tiger was chasing you!  It causes pain and results in a fight or flight reaction. Why do people get defensive when criticized?  Why do people avoid those who are so adamant about their being right and you being wrong?

I was working with a client recently who had a great deal of emotion around unfulfilled promises in the work setting.  She was promised a promotion that  due to numerous changes at work, didn't happen.  Our work focused around her ultimate goal and what actions would be in service to her goal.  She could remain bitter and angry, but would that advance her desire to be seen as worthy of promotion?  What other choices did she have and what was she willing to do? What was most important?

As you can imagine, emotions around value, self-worth, self-confidence and respect were prevalent.  How does one assess their value?  Does it come from us or from people external to us?  And, what power are we willing to relinquish and to what impact?

I found myself feeling great after our conversation, believing that the client had insights that may serve her well in reaching her goals.  Within 24 hours, the client took action that I found myself questioning.  As I wrestled with what to do/ say about this, I paused and thought about the coaching relationship.  My role is not to judge.  The client's success or failure is not about ME... what I would do in any situation is about ME and not my client. 

 My role as coach, is to be aware of my own reactions and judgments, and put that aside.  As a coach, I enter a dialogue with my client around what prompted her to act, and how it has advanced or interfered with her vision of success.  My role is not to be right or wrong... nor to hold that judgment up to my client.  My role is to be a mirror reflecting back to my client my observations of her behavior, and the impact the behavior has had on her success.  Knowing that she is infinitely wise and capable, I know she will find her way.

There are few other relationships I know of where that level of acceptance, belief, and validation exist.  The safety created in an attitude of "non-judgment" is palpable and makes ALL the difference.  The only other relationship I know of that holds that safety is our relationship with our four-legged friends.  They don't care what mood we're in; whether we did something that could be perceived as "stupid;" they don't care that we ignored them or forgot their 5pm feeding and are late.  All they care about is that we are there for them; take care of their basic needs, and spend a few moments sharing in their unconditional love.  I could do much worse than using my feline companions as models for how I wish to BE with my clients!  Perhaps I should start asking my clients: "Are you purring??"

As always, I welcome your thoughts and insights!

Recently, I've been putting much thought into the impact of "expertise" in healthcare.  As a leadership and physician leadership coach, I very often work with my clients on their habit of problem solving, knowing "the" right answer, judgment, and intellect. 

In my personal journey in dealing with my husband's life-threatening brain disorder, I find myself torn between wanting to look to my physicians for "expertise" and "hope," while also being aware of the limitations of medicine and my need to define my own reality... my own story.

It is an interesting perspective to be a consumer of healthcare and practitioner within healthcare at the same time.  I've been reading, with avid interest, the differences between the medical model and patient-centered model, as defined within "Escape Fire's" movie and facebook page (that is where all the "expert information" is, right??). As the authors describe, the patient-centered model  requires a shift from "physician dominant," to "physician collaborates:"  From "care is disease-centered," to "care is quality of life centered;"  From "physician does most of the talking" to "physician listens more and talks less." 

As I read various related literature, like "The Four Habits" that was created by the great folks at Kaiser Permanente, I think about tools that help shift this paradigm.  As they describe,  The Four Habits are: Invest in the Beginning, Elicit the Patient's Perspective, Demonstrate Empathy, and Invest in the End. The goals of the Four Habits are to establish rapport and build trust rapidly, facilitate the effective exchange of information, demonstrate caring and concern, and increase the likelihood of adherence and positive health outcomes.  What I find fascinating about this model is that it parallels the framework of a coaching model perfectly! 

In coaching, the client is the expert, holding all the wisdom, strength and courage that a capable, wise, and powerful being possesses.  A table succinctly describes the four habits and associated skills:  "elicit patient concerns;" "ask for the patient's ideas;" "be open to patient's emotions;" and in "investing in the end," "deliver education and diagnostic information and then involve the patient in the decision making process."  It reminds me of a dance that is more of an interplay between leader and follower with those roles being flexible and dynamic, rather than fixed and unchanging.

All of this requires a perspective that is quite different from doctor, or nurse, or any other discipline as "expert."  It requires a vulnerability that allows us to say: "I don't know everything" and most importantly, I don't know what matters most to my patient.  Therefore, while my breath and depth of knowledge is vital, I'm also a learner along this journey of wellness with my patient/ client.  Now there's a thought!  What impact would it make if we were to start labeling the "patient" "client?"  Better yet, how about "health partner?"  Whatever term would convey the essence of each individual's wisdom and insight to direct their own health, and their own wellness, even if that includes dying.

There are two resources I use repeatedly in my work with clients: Marilee Adams' "Change Your Questions, Change Your Life," and David Emerald's "The Power of TED."  Ms. Adams describes her simple, yet powerful "Choice Map," which helps the reader consider a shift in perspective from judger to learner.  It requires us to recognize when we are making judgments about others (which she describes as landing us in the pits) and intentionally shifting that perspective to one of learning and desired outcomes.  It's less about blame and who's right or wrong, and more of "what do we want, what assumptions am I making, and what are the options open to us?"

Mr. Emerald describes the empowerment dynamic as moving from victim to creator.  As a creator, I have choices in how I deal with life's challenges, and I can seek the help of coaches who can appropriately challenge me to discover my wisdom and help me move toward health and success.

Can we make that shift in healthcare?  Can we use our great strength in problem solving and science/ medicine, while also making room for art in more fully engaging our health partner on their journey to wellness?  Can we notice and abandon our own egos and judgments, in service to the patient?  I, for one, would love to be part of that journey!

I welcome your perspective!

Above you will find a picture of Vicki Hess completing the Iron Girl in 2010.  I took that picture as I watched her complete one of her, soon to be four Iron Girl races.  Vicki is an ovarian cancer survivor and a great friend who inspires me every day with her positive attitude and energy.  It's safe to say that Vicki's been challenging me to join her since 2010, if not before.  Mind you, completing a triathlon has never been something I've longed to do, despite having completed some long distance bike rides (metric century) in the past.  Another good friend of ours, Dana Slater caved to Vicki's challenges last year and completed her first Iron Girl in 2011.  So now, both Vicki and Dana were ganging up on me!

As I wrestled around New Year's eve with signing on the dotted line to commit to doing the race, I was thinking about how it may serve me in the coming year of 2012.  My only way to get in to the already sold out race was to join Team Fight, which I was proud to do given the desire to support young adults and their families dealing with life threatening illness.  While not cancer, my husband and I had been struggling with a life threatening neurovascular illness for close to two years and at that New Years eve, it seemed like we were not winning the battle.  My husband has a dural arteriovenous fistula (DAVF) in his brain; a rare disorder which puts him at risk of stroke or death.  His was large and complex and he has had countless neurosurgeries to block off some of the abnormal vessels in his brain.  Unfortunately, until this fistula is totally obliterated, it recruits other vessels, so it can feel, and did feel like we were living in a science-fiction novel and were losing the battle against the aliens.

I'll get back to New Year's eve in a moment.  In March of this year,  we were told that the doctors could not do anything else for what may be two years and it was now a waiting game.  We knew that Robin was still at risk for stroke or worse since he still had backflow drainage into the brain and the radiation he had takes years to work.  We were also told that if Robin started to develop symptoms again (he previously suffered with periodic dizzy spells) that we should go to an emergency room. 

If you know anything about neurosurgeons, you perhaps know that humility is not amongst their strengths.  Their work requires painstaking detail and expertise... one wrong move and someone's life can be dramatically altered.  As I struggled with accepting what these experts were saying, yet not wanting to accept a diagnosis that would bring disability and death to the most significant person in my life, I started researching the web for another possible answer.  I found that possibility in articles that had been written about skull based surgery, and the Barrow Neurological Institute in Phoenix, Arizona.  Dr. Robert Spetzler has his name on one of the grading scales used for Dural AV Fistulas, and for $100, he would examine records and images and let you know if he thought he could help.  That seemed a no brainer to me (pun intended.....), so I mailed records out, and received a call shortly thereafter saying Dr. Spetzler believed that surgery could help, if not cure my husband.  Hearing this felt like finding an oasis after wandering for days in a blistering, dry desert.  And, that news was punctuated by the fact that Robin started to have dizzy spells again, which meant he had vessels close to rupturing.

All of this would have been enough, yet as fate would have it, my 80 year-old mother, who was living in a single family home in Boston, had a mild stroke, necessitating her being moved out of her home and into some sort of continuing care community.  So, to make a long story short, I drove up the end of April, packed her up and moved her from her home; drove her here to a temporary apartment in a continuing care community, got her as settled as I could for about 6 days before I said: "see you later-- I need to go to Arizona for Robin to have major brain surgery."

What was supposed to be a one day surgery and 3-4 day hospital stay, turned into a two week hospitalization and three week stay in Phoenix.  There were complications every step of the way, including blood loss requiring a staging of his craniotomy; six hours of endovascular work and radiation exposure (where they go in through an artery in the groin, thread their way all the way up to the brain, locate abnormal vessels, and insert a glue-like substance to block off the abnormal feeders, making sure that none of the glue leaks to block off normal vessels), a second craniotomy to seal off one of the major feeders, temporary psychosis and difficulty expressing himself, and the final assault which was his acquiring deep vein thromboses due to being immobile for so long.  I would spend 10-12 hours/ day by his side, leaving the hospital around 10p feeling like I was walking in a fog and was only moving by putting one foot in front of the other.  I had amazing support from family and friends, while I was out there and also knew that I had to force myself to exercise (swim or jog) for my mental health and to not lose the ground I had gained in my training for the race.

So, back to New Year's eve......   as I let the completed form stare at me from my computer screen for at least 24 hours before hitting the "send" button, something told me that I would need this race to serve as a positive goal for me; to help keep me fit and strong, and to help me experience and face my fears, realize my ability to overcome them and to be successful at something I previously thought was impossible.  I honestly believe that my ability to disagree with what some of the most arrogant of surgical providers said was "true," and to persist in finding my own truth, which has prolonged, if not saved my husband's life, has been, in part due to my training and participation in this race.  As I fantasize about the 19th and crossing the finish line, I imagine myself pausing just prior to entering the final gate and walking away.  I am sure that sounds crazy, for isn't it about that final announcement of "Joy, YOU are and Iron Girl!?"  And while I will probably choose to finish the race and go through the gate, that isn't what it's about for me.  It's more about the journey; it's about what it has taken to endure pain and discomfort, and persevere; it's about courage; it's about asking for help; it's about being cut down to the core and putting one foot in front of the other; it's about every young adult's fight with cancer and regardless of whether they win their race for life, or die, they are winners.... they are Iron Girls, because of their strength, their courage, their commitment to ALL life has to offer. It's been about companionship, faith, laughter, tears, and spirit. 

With just over one week to go, I am feeling strong and confident (despite my total panic at the open swim dress rehearsal.....).  My vision of seeing my husband standing at the finish line will come true.  And, as I set foot in the water, waiting for that whistle to blow at 7:04am to start my wave, I will smile with gratitude for the many blessings preparing for this race has afforded me. There will be light within the darkness of Centennial Lake; there will be friends by my feet as I push up Mt. Albert, and there will be wings of angels lifting me up as I run/ walk my way home to the finish line.