Went to a great Georgetown Alumni Coaching Conference this week and one of the wonderful breakout sessions that all dealt with resilience, showed us this video by Soul Pancake.  This gratitude practice is a simple, yet powerful way to increase your happiness by up to 22% and make a memorable difference to someone in your life.  Watch and see.... and then tell me what you did!

Simon Beck is a snow artist.  He creates works of art and beauty that can be erased in a matter of seconds with the next snow or windstorm.  He spends hours creating these works of art.  He doesn't use any technology. It is only him, the snow, his footprints and his amazing vision.

I found out about Simon through my sister-in-law's posting on Facebook.  While part of my new year's commitment is to be less intimate with my smartphone, tablet, computer........  you get the picture....., there are some uses that serve my spirit.  I knew when I read about Simon, that I would write about him and his work.  In doing so, I'm imagining that part of his purpose has been fulfilled:  to inspire others to what is possible through dedication, inspiration, purpose, and vision.

To look at Simon's trails above, you start to wonder what he sees that we don't.  What is it that drives his painstaking footsteps in the snow?  One misstep, one off- balance footprint could destroy hours of work.  Virgin snow is just that:  once tampered with, the system is changed; the design is altered.  There's no going back.  Yet as I look at Simon taking each step with purpose and passion, I know he's not thinking of what may ruin his design.  His only thought is on creation.  He is focused on his goal and he is pursuing it with relentless abandon.  His companions are only his snowshoes, ski poles, goggles, and stamina.  He is driven by his passion to create beauty, and to share that beauty through photography.

As a coach, we tend to seek metaphors in our work with clients and in our lives.  So, what I choose to see is someone honoring his passion and 
purpose: Someone whose inspiring goal transcends the "work" it takes to fulfill it.  I see someone who moves into his purpose and passion, with full presence, realizing that it can all change in a heartbeat.

My prayer and commitment for 2014 is that my clients' experience of our work together can be just that:  fully present, focused, with vision, passion and purpose.  As leaders, that we can put one foot in front of the other, moving constantly closer to our goal: that we have the energy and commitment to withstand the inevitable challenges, and continue onward.

People often ask me about my career path and my purpose.  What I always say is that my purpose began with positively impacting a hospitalized patient and that purpose has not changed.  I don't practice as a "nurse," as we may rigidly define that role; and I do hope to inspire physician, nursing and healthcare leaders to be the best they can be in service to patients and families.  Each person reading this blog will be somehow impacted by our healthcare system.  Lives will be saved or lost.  The quality of our lives will be improved, maintained or disintegrated by the care we receive.  That care has to provide quality, respect, hope and peace.  

Perhaps we in healthcare should start calling ourselves "Health Artists!"

My heartfelt thanks to Simon for his inspiration, and wishes to all for a "health-filled" 2014!

For a Christmas 2013 video of Simon, click here.

Changing of Seasons and Noticing.. Today is Halloween and the weather is cloudy and warm for this time of year (in the 60’s).  Yet mother nature isn’t disappointing us and the belated beauty of the autumn foliage is spectacular.  My husband made a point of alerting me to the brilliant reds and oranges on our backyard maple tree, particularly as contrasted with the golden yellow of the trees behind it.  And as we watch the leaves fall to the ground, and, perhaps, complain too much about our need for raking, I am reminded of the seasons of life and the theme of noticing.

Autumn happens to be my favorite season as I welcome the lower humidity (as experienced on the East Coast), cooler and crisp days, weather that beckons you to play outside and ride bikes or go for hikes.  And every time I mention my favorite season of autumn to others, they mention the regret of shorter days and the coming of winter.  The coach in me forever searches for another meaning… another perspective and the metaphor hiding beneath the surface.

In our American culture, is it that we resist death, as in the falling of leaves, because of perceived darkness to come?  How might we use the sharpness of light and color, and noticing that is inspired within us just before the falling?  How often is it that when we recognize the impermanence of something or someone, we seem to notice what’s special about them and cherish them more?  As you know, I am taking care of my elderly mom and I marvel at how I can still find those sparks of beauty and strength, amidst the decline of her memory and her independence.

The leaves that are dying stand out against the perpetual green of the evergreens, and those trees become background to the display of color and life that seems to come to the deciduous trees.  If only we could recognize that beauty in our aging seniors and celebrate them as we celebrate autumn splendor?  If only we could use our powers to pause and notice in seasons other than autumn?  Nature has so much to teach us and each season brings a unique beauty and message.  Winter teaches us to slow down; conserve energy; stay warm, and turn inward.  We are preparing for the burst of energy and outward focus of spring, with new hopes, dreams, growth, and splendor.  Using that burst of energy, we go full throttle into the longer days of summer, filled with activity, adventure, lightness, sunshine, laughter, and play.  Just imagine if we had to keep that up all year long?  What difference would that make to our ability to pause and notice?  Now there’s something to ponder!  Are we creating a perpetual summer with our constant use of electronic devices? (I’ll save that for another passage!).

I’ve been finding it more difficult to wake up in the mornings and I am reminded of nature’s slowing down and hibernation. I am choosing to continue to celebrate the beauty of autumn, yet I am celebrating it for a whole new reason.  I am celebrating my ability to notice.  After seeing a photograph that I took during one of our hikes, a friend of mine commented: “Joy, you see things that others don’t see:  what an eye you have!”  God has certainly blessed me with that ability and I celebrate it not only with photography, but more-so with nature and people.  Here’s to noticing and to the seasons of life!

We Get It!
To all my friends who have children.. to all the moms and dads...  We get it!
My husband and I were not blessed, and ultimately chose to not have children.  Whenever people would ask us if we had kids, which happens very often when you first meet someone, we would respond: "We have cats!"  It almost felt like we had to say something to make us feel "OK" about our response. During the years when I struggled with infertility, I would often ask God: "why?"  "What is the reason we're going through this?"  Like there had to be some rational reason for our life circumstance... life is fair, right?... NOT!

As you may know from reading other blogs, we became the primary caretaker for my mom, who suffers from dementia.  Eighteen months later, my mother-in-law has also come to live at the same continuing care community as my mom.  We have our family wagon (see prior post), and we are now experiencing what we imagine you parents have experienced for most of your lives.  We now get it!

• We get that a planned and orderly day is a day of the past.  That we are at the whim of whatever crisis may occur, be it medical, emotional, something lost, something found.  At any moment, we give up what was planned for what now is.

• We get that we can no longer judge our moms'/ children's behavior according to "adult standards."  Saying: "don't you remember?," or "you should remember..." is pointless.  Instead of frustration, we seize the opportunity to be present and "in the moment" with our moms, recognizing that, in physical form,  they aren't always going to be with us.

• We get that discussing bodily functions is a frequent occurrence.  That hearing in-depth descriptors of bowel movements and incontinence is now considered daily subjects for conversations.  We get that sometimes, our trips do need to be planned with bathroom stops as key activities.

• We get that, when they're in pain, we're in pain:  That there can be nothing that tears you apart more than seeing people you love suffer and knowing there's little you can do about preventing it from happening.

• We get that there are these precious moments, that if we could only package and keep in some easily retrievable form, would provide us contentment for a lifetime!  Like being a silent observer, watching my mom participate in a ballroom dance class;  or sharing in her "joy" when she hears a song from "My Fair Lady" for the 100th time, yet seems to enjoy it as if she was hearing it for the first time!; or when she takes my hand and tells me: "you'll always be my youngest daughter and I'll always love you."  Funny, it doesn't seem to matter how often I hear that!


• We get that spending money on ourselves without thinking about having "enough" to take care of our moms is now in the past.  It's no longer about me/ or us as a couple.  We have others who are dependent on us and that impacts our perspective on money, on travel, on with whom we entrust their care, and on our taking care of ourselves.  Taking risks is far less of an option....  we need to stay well so that we can take care of our moms.

• We get that there is nothing that can lift us up as quickly as buying something for our moms that cause their eyes to light up, and makes them feel special and loved.  And, we also recognize that we don't have to buy them something: it's our making them feel special by being with them; by touching them in a loving, compassionate way; by helping them to know that they matter; they are not invisible, as our society would sometimes prefer our elders to be; and that they still have a purpose on this planet.  Our parents are always our parents, just as our children are always our children, regardless of how they may tower over us, or be shrunken by bones compressed due to gravity and weaker muscles.  

• And, we get that when they are gone,  we will miss them and they will leave a hole in our heart that can never be replaced.

Thanks to Wild Divine for sharing this.  It saddens me to see criticism so prevalent in our workplaces.  It is not coincidental that a majority of workplace cultures consist of complaining, negativity, and low energy.  Here's to celebrating the ordinary!  Thanks, Nissim!

Criticism
by Nissim Amon 

A coral reef is a place full of life and vibrant colour, where hundreds of different species of fish and plants live free of the need to criticize each other. Although an immense variety of life exists there, every plant knows its place and each and every fish knows exactly where it belongs. Once in a while a human diver appears with a mask and air-tanks, and like everybody else down there, he is not critical either. The diver enjoys being a visitor to the underwater world, observing the richness and beauty of Nature without judgment.
 
Things change the moment the diver steps out of the water and back onto dry land. Dry land accommodates an infinite variety of humans, humans however seem to have innumerable opinions about each other, so the game of criticizing one another, is one of their most favourite pastimes.
 
On the human reef, we sit on small balconies, observe our neighbours and complain: the octopus is a mess, the crab is an idiot, the jellyfish is spineless, the silver fish is obsessed with glamour, the eel is too slippery, and all the shallow water fish are limited and without depth. This takes place, in every house, in every city, all over the world.
 
Criticism is so widely spread that some consider it the ultimate social skill and are constantly polishing their expertise. They are unaware that the stronger the stream of criticism flows, the further happiness drifts away....

Two thousand five hundred years ago, the Buddha gave a small discourse on criticism. He said that while it is easy to observe and point out other people's faults, it is extremely difficult to see one's own. He also said that most people hide their faults, like a dishonest gambler hides unlucky cards. The Bedouins of the desert have a similar saying – A camel cannot see his own hump!
 
So how can we see our own humps? To solve this riddle we must realize that we are not able to criticize our own humps, because the hump is the very place where criticism comes from.
 
When we discover "what is wrong" with other people, we criticize them, but this criticism is entirely of our own fabrication, and it has nothing much to do with the people themselves. Our shortcomings, flaws and negativity are a reflection or projection of ourselves on others. Our hump is what criticizes other people for having a bigger hump.
 
This inner voice, residing in our transparent hump, guarantees its survival thanks to the satisfying feeling we get from patronizing others. It specializes in finding their faults and feeds off the elation the feeling of superiority gives us.
 
If we lack a sense of self-worth, criticism becomes our way of avoiding self-examination. Becoming aware of this is an important step in the right direction.
 
The next step is to have the courage and fortitude to remove the hump and consciously rid our lives of obsessive criticism. Not only must one decide to do this, which is a huge step in itself, it is imperative to constantly remind ourselves not to falter on this decision. Try writing yourself little notes and stick them on all the mirrors in your house, make it a conscious effort - because it is so very easy to go back to criticizing everything again.
 
Your hump has a knack of playing tricks on you by telling you that you have a good sense of self-criticism, don’t be deceived by this. It is a very common deception. All forms of criticism come from the same hump....
 
When the positive spotlight is turned within it has nothing whatsoever to do with condemnation, disapproval or judgement. When YOU look inside of yourself, it is called wakefulness, mindfulness and awareness, not criticism.
 
The realization that you are neither superior nor inferior to anyone is a very high spiritual achievement. When this understanding is no longer purely intellectual but goes to the deepest level of your heart, it will give you the freedom that you seek, and also allow you the freedom of letting everyone else, be exactly who they are and whatever they choose to be.
 
The person who doesn't feel he is superior behaves without pretension and one who knows that he is not inferior feels no fear. 


"One hundred percent ordinary,
Is extra-ordinary.
From moment to moment,
Without judgement,
The truth we seek is reality itself."

-Nissim Amon

At the ripe young age of 54, I just bought a family wagon!  Normally, when I think of family wagons, I think of car seats for infants and toddlers; hauling children back and forth from athletic events; taking the dog for a ride; packing bags of groceries to feed the gang at home; and driving our adolescents and their friends to the mall or some other social gathering.

But, my husband and I don't have a dog... we have two cats who don't particularly like to ride in the car; we don't have children and the groceries we buy, for the most part, are just for the two of us.  So, why the family wagon?  Thankfully, we have aging mothers!

Now we pack walkers (rollators) that allow our moms to sit when they get tired, and keep them balanced when they walk.  We may buy them groceries, but they're limited due to the meals they get at their continuing care community.  We haul them to various events... alas, most of them seem to be doctor's appointments. We crank up the volume on the radio but it's not so they can sing along and groove to the beat... it's so they can HEAR any beats!

The music we play is not of our time.... it's of THEIR time... We don't talk about the news of today; we reminisce about days gone by and speak more of emotion than facts.  Head matters less..... heart matters most. We exchange "I love you's" at every encounter and offer hugs as if they may be our last one, because they could be.  

I have the privilege of watching my husband demonstrate patience (most of the time...), advocacy, and compassion for our moms and I fall in love with him all over again.  Both Robin and I are learning to be less judgmental and more accepting; to exercise our sense of humor and the art of forgiveness.  We are parents at a mature age and thank God every day that we can give back to our moms who have given us so much!  On this day of Independence, we are thankful for our freedoms and for those who are dependent on us.  God Bless........ 

Clients often ask me what's the difference between coaching and other disciplines.  They laugh at me when I declare: "I'm not coaching now; I'm consulting."  Their response is often: "I don't care what you're doing.. both are valuable!"


Perhaps so, yet there is a BIG difference, and as I ponder what I think the greatest distinction is, I've decided that what makes coaching unique from all other disciplines is the safety created by our refraining from judgment.

There has been much written about the negative impact of judgment on the brain (see David Rock's work-- particularly as it relates to his SCARF model); or Brene Brown's popular youtube video on The Power of Vulnerability with over 1 million views, and was recently featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network.  Judgment hurts and, to the brain, is received in the same way as if a huge tiger was chasing you!  It causes pain and results in a fight or flight reaction. Why do people get defensive when criticized?  Why do people avoid those who are so adamant about their being right and you being wrong?

I was working with a client recently who had a great deal of emotion around unfulfilled promises in the work setting.  She was promised a promotion that  due to numerous changes at work, didn't happen.  Our work focused around her ultimate goal and what actions would be in service to her goal.  She could remain bitter and angry, but would that advance her desire to be seen as worthy of promotion?  What other choices did she have and what was she willing to do? What was most important?

As you can imagine, emotions around value, self-worth, self-confidence and respect were prevalent.  How does one assess their value?  Does it come from us or from people external to us?  And, what power are we willing to relinquish and to what impact?

I found myself feeling great after our conversation, believing that the client had insights that may serve her well in reaching her goals.  Within 24 hours, the client took action that I found myself questioning.  As I wrestled with what to do/ say about this, I paused and thought about the coaching relationship.  My role is not to judge.  The client's success or failure is not about ME... what I would do in any situation is about ME and not my client. 

 My role as coach, is to be aware of my own reactions and judgments, and put that aside.  As a coach, I enter a dialogue with my client around what prompted her to act, and how it has advanced or interfered with her vision of success.  My role is not to be right or wrong... nor to hold that judgment up to my client.  My role is to be a mirror reflecting back to my client my observations of her behavior, and the impact the behavior has had on her success.  Knowing that she is infinitely wise and capable, I know she will find her way.

There are few other relationships I know of where that level of acceptance, belief, and validation exist.  The safety created in an attitude of "non-judgment" is palpable and makes ALL the difference.  The only other relationship I know of that holds that safety is our relationship with our four-legged friends.  They don't care what mood we're in; whether we did something that could be perceived as "stupid;" they don't care that we ignored them or forgot their 5pm feeding and are late.  All they care about is that we are there for them; take care of their basic needs, and spend a few moments sharing in their unconditional love.  I could do much worse than using my feline companions as models for how I wish to BE with my clients!  Perhaps I should start asking my clients: "Are you purring??"

As always, I welcome your thoughts and insights!

Recently, I've been putting much thought into the impact of "expertise" in healthcare.  As a leadership and physician leadership coach, I very often work with my clients on their habit of problem solving, knowing "the" right answer, judgment, and intellect. 

In my personal journey in dealing with my husband's life-threatening brain disorder, I find myself torn between wanting to look to my physicians for "expertise" and "hope," while also being aware of the limitations of medicine and my need to define my own reality... my own story.

It is an interesting perspective to be a consumer of healthcare and practitioner within healthcare at the same time.  I've been reading, with avid interest, the differences between the medical model and patient-centered model, as defined within "Escape Fire's" movie and facebook page (that is where all the "expert information" is, right??). As the authors describe, the patient-centered model  requires a shift from "physician dominant," to "physician collaborates:"  From "care is disease-centered," to "care is quality of life centered;"  From "physician does most of the talking" to "physician listens more and talks less." 

As I read various related literature, like "The Four Habits" that was created by the great folks at Kaiser Permanente, I think about tools that help shift this paradigm.  As they describe,  The Four Habits are: Invest in the Beginning, Elicit the Patient's Perspective, Demonstrate Empathy, and Invest in the End. The goals of the Four Habits are to establish rapport and build trust rapidly, facilitate the effective exchange of information, demonstrate caring and concern, and increase the likelihood of adherence and positive health outcomes.  What I find fascinating about this model is that it parallels the framework of a coaching model perfectly! 

In coaching, the client is the expert, holding all the wisdom, strength and courage that a capable, wise, and powerful being possesses.  A table succinctly describes the four habits and associated skills:  "elicit patient concerns;" "ask for the patient's ideas;" "be open to patient's emotions;" and in "investing in the end," "deliver education and diagnostic information and then involve the patient in the decision making process."  It reminds me of a dance that is more of an interplay between leader and follower with those roles being flexible and dynamic, rather than fixed and unchanging.

All of this requires a perspective that is quite different from doctor, or nurse, or any other discipline as "expert."  It requires a vulnerability that allows us to say: "I don't know everything" and most importantly, I don't know what matters most to my patient.  Therefore, while my breath and depth of knowledge is vital, I'm also a learner along this journey of wellness with my patient/ client.  Now there's a thought!  What impact would it make if we were to start labeling the "patient" "client?"  Better yet, how about "health partner?"  Whatever term would convey the essence of each individual's wisdom and insight to direct their own health, and their own wellness, even if that includes dying.

There are two resources I use repeatedly in my work with clients: Marilee Adams' "Change Your Questions, Change Your Life," and David Emerald's "The Power of TED."  Ms. Adams describes her simple, yet powerful "Choice Map," which helps the reader consider a shift in perspective from judger to learner.  It requires us to recognize when we are making judgments about others (which she describes as landing us in the pits) and intentionally shifting that perspective to one of learning and desired outcomes.  It's less about blame and who's right or wrong, and more of "what do we want, what assumptions am I making, and what are the options open to us?"

Mr. Emerald describes the empowerment dynamic as moving from victim to creator.  As a creator, I have choices in how I deal with life's challenges, and I can seek the help of coaches who can appropriately challenge me to discover my wisdom and help me move toward health and success.

Can we make that shift in healthcare?  Can we use our great strength in problem solving and science/ medicine, while also making room for art in more fully engaging our health partner on their journey to wellness?  Can we notice and abandon our own egos and judgments, in service to the patient?  I, for one, would love to be part of that journey!

I welcome your perspective!

Interesting title for the day before Thanksgiving, when we should be counting our blessings and showing our gratitude to what we so easily take for granted.  That is, if we can resist the numerous media adds telling us to forget those family rituals and come get this deal at 8pm on Thanksgiving Day (pretty soon we won't be able to call it "Black Friday.....") because it will still be Thursday!

Ahhh, that attitude of scarcity that our society is so great at practicing.  "If you don't act now, you will lose!"  "And isn't this about 'I win, you lose...."  I was so aware of that message during the most recent political campaigns and found myself getting irritated by, what I perceived as one upmanship vs. collaboration and partnership.  So often, I find the value in our lives is not about who's right and who's wrong, but moreso, what do we want or need to accomplish and how can we combine our collective strengths toward that goal?

My reactions to a culture of scarcity and judgment have left me curious about those "unwelcome blessings" or, as Garth Brooks once said: "unanswered prayers."  I did not choose for my husband to have a life threatening brain disorder requiring major brain surgery and risk of stroke or brain injury; I did choose to be the primary caregiver for my aging mom suffering from dementia, not really knowing the time and energy it would consume.  When I find myself going to victim mode, I quickly change my view and focus on my many blessings.  My husband's persistent brain illness requires me to appreciate each day, truly not knowing what the future brings.  It allows me to "not postpone joy," and to plan wildlife and nature vacations that we can add to our memory banks for future enjoyment.  My mom's dementia allows me to appreciate those fleeting moments of clarity and humor, as when I ask her to help me remember something and she looks me straight in the eye and says: "you're kidding!" Or moments when she smiles and embraces new friends that accept her as she is and share her curiosity about: "What day is it today?"
As I write this, rockets are blaring in the Middle East and I can feel the fear and angst of those living nearby, or with loved ones in the area.  And, yet I know there will be people there, as all over the world, expressing gratitude, not only on one certain day, but everyday for the many blessings in our lives.

Wishing you days full of gratitude, love, health, and peace....